The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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