living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
