Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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