and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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