i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
