You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
