if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
