And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
