he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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