Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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