So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
