At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize