Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
