Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
