first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
