So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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