Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
