Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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