All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
