How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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