kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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