The maid of honor just puked.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize