you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
