I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize