at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
