I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
