what day is it and did you see me today?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
