I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
