mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
