Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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