we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
