Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
