i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
