What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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