We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
