How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
