Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
