im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just invented taco cereal.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
