if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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