So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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