i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
