remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize