I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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