Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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