guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
