true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
