you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
