I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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