saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
