why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
