Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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