sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
