I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
