Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
