I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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