So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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