he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
