I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
